Crazy Bashes

Sometimes when I'm stopped at red lights, people think I'm texting on my phone but I'm actually looking at my crotch.

After Luke blew up the first Death Star, we cancelled 'Bring Your Son to Work Day'.

I did that thing where I laid down and closed my eyes and it's 3 hours later. Whoops.

Once ran into the long arm of the law, ended up obstructed by justice.
But that's the only time I dated the popo.
You could say I copulated.

Just flushed my panties down the toilet at work... In case I'm anyones twitter crush or anything :/ I thot I'd pulled them down too ..!..

There should be "Harry & the kardashians" & Harry goes nuts & kills them & eats them. I'd watch that.

Look. I know I'm pretty. But you don't have to stare. You could jack off too.

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday.

Got a teardrop tattoo for every year I watched Guiding Light. Now I get mad respect from the other ladies at bridge club.

Dear President @BarackObama: Hate to bother you but it's my birthday. I'll vote for you instead of Donald Duck if you make it a holiday.

If I was a stripper my "poll dance" would be asking everyone in the club what their favorite ice cream flavor was and then I'd jitterbug.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and ask myself how I got to where I am and am I happy with life.

JK I usually just make kissy faces.

Someone's selling a dead bee on ebay for £4 might buy it

I will not rest until we have a cat for president or until I get sleepy.

If I were a geometry teacher, I'd smoke a bowl before each class and then just talk about the Bermuda Triangle for 55 minutes.

I sometimes put "quotation marks" around words that shouldn't get them.

Last nights drunk screaming, "I DON'T WANT A MAN. I WANT HIM!" was probably the pinnacle of my emotional instability.

I'm a very good listener. Sometimes people don't even know that I'm there behind their couch listening to their conversation.

Men aren't impressed with anything I have to offer so from now on I'm just going to go with: I can darn socks.

Thinking about becoming a narcissist, they have already found the love of their life.