Crazy Bashes

You would think that saying "I'm so sorry, I thought you were a kid" after you kick a midget would make things better but no.

I've spent the day baby-proofing the house. No baby is getting in here. No sir-ee. Don't trust 'em. Not one bit.

I haven't played hop and land on someone on the bus in a while.

I'm the girl in line behind you that touches your arm and tells you that you smell nice.

The voice in my head is singing "I think we're alone now".

The only exercise I get in the morning is running after joggers with a chainsaw.

If someone catches you mid-crime, instead of confessing, just give them a weapon and whisper, "Now we're in this together..."

A bucket list is a list of things that make you want to barf, right?

I'm such an intense alcoholic that I buy my own lemons and pretend life gave them to me just so I can drink more tequila.

If I were a geometry teacher, I'd smoke a bowl before each class and then just talk about the Bermuda Triangle for 55 minutes.

I find it completely unrealistic that Diego's jaguar doesn't just go right ahead and eat Dora's monkey.

Imagine a human being with the strength to cancel their Facebook account without making a big melodramatic deal about it.

I like to call the six months I refused to wear a bra my "National Geographic" period.

I'm never more amazed or frightened by the places the human mind can go as when I read my TL.

I can't seem to get along with people who wear watches.

There are few things as equally upsetting and hilarious as sneezing with a mouth full of chocolate pudding.

My doctor says I should drink 8 glasses of water a day. I wonder how many pizzas is that equivalent to.

This is always so awkward when you're on the elevator with a stranger.

Especially after you hug her and tell her you're very lonely.

I sometimes put "quotation marks" around words that shouldn't get them.

Most men should have to wear T-shirts that say "I'M WITH STUPID" with the arrow pointing DOWN.