Crazy Bashes

Top 3 unions I'd be willing to be in:

3. Civil.
2. Labor.
1. Gabrielle.

Heard a noise. Jumped out of bed towards the door. Missed it, hit the wall.

Clearly I'm a huge threat.

Want to try something creepy right now? Turn off lights. Lay in bed. Turn on Kings of Leon. Shut your eyes. Robert Pattinson will appear.

Today is one of those days where I feel like going into a Subway restaurant to ask what time the next train departs.

Cute the way you lock your doors like I'm not waiting the closet already.

I'm glad dinosaurs went extinct, otherwise trips to the museum would have been even more boring.

A bucket list is a list of things that make you want to barf, right?

I feel sorry for the Dutch, it's not fair they are blamed for all the undercover farts of the world.

I will not rest until we have a cat for president or until I get sleepy.

I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids.

When you use the phrase "Well played, sir," everyone can tell how scared you are inside.

I find it completely unrealistic that Diego's jaguar doesn't just go right ahead and eat Dora's monkey.

I like to call the six months I refused to wear a bra my "National Geographic" period.

I don't like people who don't respond to my texts. I also don't like setting their car on fire, but I have to.

The voice in my head is singing "I think we're alone now".

It's becoming increasingly difficult to live the life of a rock 'n roll queen while confined to a cubicle.

Do you ever pee and then immediately have to pee again and wonder why god has forsaken you?

The only exercise I get in the morning is running after joggers with a chainsaw.

If I were a geometry teacher, I'd smoke a bowl before each class and then just talk about the Bermuda Triangle for 55 minutes.

I invented a gun that shoots bagels. Now I need a REALLY good marketing guy.