Crap Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #crap

The problem is not that you have problems. The problem is thinking that your problems are a problem...... to me. Pfft!

The only reason I'm awake right now is to be online and ask myself why I'm awake right now.

I want to be the reason they close down a theme park ride.

"Hey, where's all the blood gone?"
is what I say if someone overcooks my steak.

Ask your doctor if reverse-psychology isn't for you.

People that can open individual blister packs of medicine without scissors: we need to hang out more.

it's like they'll let just anyone have a face these days ugh

Honestly, I'm sorry about the potpourri. But if you want me to stop eating it, stop inviting me over.

Somebody drove by the park today listening to a Sarah McLachlan song & I reflexively kicked a puppy in the face.

My life can only be explained by my ex having the most effective voodoo doll ever.

I'm going to be in sooo much trouble if the tooth fairy starts doing DNA testing on these teeth I've been placing under my pillow.

Siri, answer all of my toddler's stupid questions.

"One more photo of your baby's foot and I'm going to.. I'm going to NOT click the like button."- Me, scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed.

When your girl lets you know she doesn’t have panties on under a great dress, there’s really not much else you’re gonna think about.

Wish I had cooler enemies.

You would think inevitable death alone would make people nicer but nope.

If laying in bed the past 4 days has taught me anything, it's that I really need to clean the jizz off my fan, dresser, cat, and neighbor.

If you mean years of financial and emotional stress with brief moments of joy and finally death, then yes, everything is going to be OK.

When someone replies “NO!” to me asking “Know what I think?” I tell them anyway because that shit's hilarious...

Thank you all for the kind words, support and love. I'm doing great. Headed home shortly and then back to work.