Crap Bashes

Saved a ton of money on alarm clocks by simply waking up before it goes off.

She wears short skirts, I eat pizza, she's cheer captain, and I'm still eating pizza.

When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

My life can only be explained by my ex having the most effective voodoo doll ever.

Someone in front of me walked through a door and left it open for me but I was too far away and had to do a little jog. So no gym tonight.

Sometimes I'll wear a fat suit to a party just so drunk guys will hit on me.

Can anyone tell me the procedure for when a client bursts into tears on the phone?

The easiest way to be successful in life is to be a girl.

The enemy of my enemy's enemy's enemy is Kevin Bacon.

I'm going shopping for a bikini after work. In case you were wondering how many antidepressants I just threw down my throat.

Just Googled "how to dispose of dead clown bodies" with the sole intent of confusing whoever checks my search history, should I die today.

Dunkin Donuts unveils a new bacon donut sandwich. Your move, atheists.

I'm having cold feet about my dentist's appointment. I should see a podiatrist about this.

It took a little over a year, but I think my dog finally has me trained.

I got nothing.

In my head and my wallet.

If you mean years of financial and emotional stress with brief moments of joy and finally death, then yes, everything is going to be OK.

Surround yourself with people who make you feel like you're not a total piece of shit. Or people with jet skis.

That sucks when people pronounce human you-min

I'm sorry, did you say something? I just saw your tattoos and couldn't hear you over the sound of my pants falling off.

The song "Dust in the Wind" must be torture for cocaine dealers to listen to.