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Crap Bashes

Read the best funny quotes and bashes with tag #crap


Convinced myself that the hot office guy doesn’t love me because he’s gay & his 'wife' is just his unfortunate looking sister.


#crap  


I'm angry and I can't sleep, so tonight I'm kicking sheep instead of counting them.


#crap  


Saved a ton of money on alarm clocks by simply waking up before it goes off.


#crap  


This homeless dude is wearing original Air Jordons and drinking a Starbucks.

I think I'm doing life wrong.


#crap  


I think I've made about three right decisions out of the 897 thousand I've been faced with in life so far... so that's good.


#crap  


I just saw my wife acting very suspicious outside our house. She parked the car without crashing into the fence.


#crap  


I hate when I'm cranky for no good reason then get my period and have to pretend the two events are unrelated.


#crap  


Success is only one of the things people like to rub in my face.

Apparently.


#crap  


You're "not like the other guys"? Oh good, that's what Michael Jackson said right before he turned into a wolf in Thriller.


#crap  


If I was Mark Wahlberg's real friend, I'd make sure I was always walking ahead of him so I could turn around and yell, "C'MON, C'MON!"


#crap  


"We good?" --someone you're no where near good with


#crap  


Just ate two blueberry waffles held in my bear hands like freshly caught salmon.


#crap  


Do these tribal tattoos on my upper arm make me look like I made a bad decision in the late 90's?


#crap  


Nothing scares me more than a mirror in the morning.


#crap  


Damn. We're going out shopping for furniture, and I forgot my wheelbarrow full of cash.


#crap  


Again, if you're in a disagreement w/someone and the best you have is 'you're stupid and/or dumb', or any name calling. You lose.


#crap  


One minute you have faith in humanity, and the next you hear an adult man say, "delish."


#crap  


The girl at the pharmacy told me there was no such thing as gigantic condoms and that maybe I should ask someone who works there.


#crap  


I hate when I'm about to write something inspirational and I puke all over my phone and have to get a new one.


#crap  


It looks like the weekend weather will be good for outdoor chores and projects. Damn it.


#crap  



Roll the dice for #crap
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