Crap Bashes

We all make mistakes. I used a heart emoticon once.

Add up the numbers in 2012 and you get 5. You have 5 fingers on each of your 2 hands. So, 5 + 2 = 7... As in The 7 Signs of the Apocalypse.

if you don't do stupid shit while drunk, how do you justify your life?

I dont see the point in getting older if I cant be creepy.

I'm sorry, did you say something? I just saw your tattoos and couldn't hear you over the sound of my pants falling off.

The awkward moment when you're trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running.

I have absolutely no plan for your life.

If you have the typing noise activated on your phone I hope you get hit by a poo car.

Can I take the tree down now?

Sometimes when I'm brushing my teeth I lean forward to spit and I get toothpaste foam in my hair. That could be a metaphor for my life.

I saw a wiseass homeless guy holding up a sign that said, "I bet you won't give me a quarter". He won that bet.

Demi Moore is out of rehab, so hide your fetus cuz she's gonna want to marry it

It takes me at least couple of years dating a woman before I feel I’m ready to take on the responsibly of knowing when her birthday is.

Super heroines must especially hate the time of the month when they have to wear pads under those tights.

You know you're getting old when your lungs whistle louder than your lips.

This new lotion I bought has some glitter in it so now I'm dancing naked singing Xanadu.

You can have all the game in the world, but if the one you want isn’t with you…it doesn’t mean shit.

Think you've got your life under control? Try to play the air guitar left handed.

If the nutritional information I'm reading at McDonald's is correct then the guy who ordered in front of me should be dead in 6 seconds.

Just got the school call. Daughter has lice and super-long hair. Makes your head itch, doesn't it?