Bullshit Bashes

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

#bullshit  

I want 100% of your attention 100% of the time. I don't think I'm asking for much.

#bullshit  

I think I've finally taken enough selfies to prove to everyone that I do in fact live in my bathroom.

#bullshit  

That annoying feeling when you're dying to talk to someone, but you refuse to text them first.

#bullshit  

Bread is square. Cheese is square. Get with the program, bologna!

#bullshit  

If you get a text from my number after midnight, it wasn't me that texted; it was tequila.

#bullshit  

What is this sleeping you all speak of.

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What’s the point of doing drugs if you don’t tell everyone on the Internet about it?

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It's quite sad that our ancestors didn't have any phones to stare at when they were at the traffic light.

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Weird to think that triangles didn't exist before the Illuminati.

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Intimidate a tree by waving a stack of papers at it.

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How long do I wait before I tell my dog he's adopted?

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The good thing about falling into a bottomless pit is that you’ll never hit rock bottom.

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Until I saw "Bridesmaids," I had no idea that women mostly poo in sinks.

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I feel kind of like Survivor Man today the way I just left my house without my phone charger.

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I would really love to listen to your bullshit but I’ve got no time to listen to your bullshit.

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How long does evolution take cuz I've been in this bathtub for 2 hours and no fins. Ya, right, Darwin. Idiot.

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Weird. My tears go up my face when I cry in Australia.

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Someone just told me I am the Bill to their Ted. I'm not sure how to feel about this, dude.

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Sometimes use the oven instead of the microwave to heat food. Let it know that you still need it. Ovens have feelings too, you know.

#bullshit