Bullshit Bashes

I have a hard time falling asleep because I have a hard time putting my phone down.

Really worried that one day I'm going to look back on my life and realize I high fived a lot of people for some really dumb shit.

I can be pretty dumb sometimes but still pretty so whatever.

I want 100% of your attention 100% of the time. I don't think I'm asking for much.

Can't believe they're making us work today when the royal baby could be born any second.

For shame.

Somewhere two dudes just ordered OJ at Waffle House but are calling it "BROJ" and high fiving.

Don't assume because someone is skinny that they are in shape. I'm probably a pack of cigarettes and a sudden run away from a heart attack.

Going back to the high school today. One of two things will happen:
1. I will die
2. I will live

I’m pretty adventurous in bed.

Sometimes I sleep with three, maybe four pillows.

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence, girls love that shit.

My road is way cooler than yours.

You can't see it, though. It's SUPER high.

I shaved my beard and now people have stopped throwing change at me when I tie my shoes.

I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time to eat dinner again.

I'm pretty good at inventing shit that already exists, like the time I invented The Shower Chair nursing homes had been using for years.

I'm never more gripped with fear than when I think it is Casual Friday at work and I'm the only one in a Speedo, top hat, and monocle

Bread is square. Cheese is square. Get with the program, bologna!

It's quite sad that our ancestors didn't have any phones to stare at when they were at the traffic light.

"I don't know anything about these murders!" -Very forgetful murderer

A pretty leaf just blew in my window! Probably the result of a Chinese boy farting 3 months ago. We are all connected…

"Do not stick your fingers in that hole!"

I said too loudly at the airport and another piece of me died.