Bullshit Bashes

Sometimes I make my kids watch horror movies so I look like the good monster.

#bullshit  

How long does evolution take cuz I've been in this bathtub for 2 hours and no fins. Ya, right, Darwin. Idiot.

#bullshit  

Am I the only one who's acting their age around here? And who has finger lasers? Pew pew.

#bullshit  

Serial killers probably start off as normal people who wind up consistently having to poop AFTER their shower.

#bullshit  

I think I've finally taken enough selfies to prove to everyone that I do in fact live in my bathroom.

#bullshit  

How do you tell a four-month-old they are fat without hurting their feelings?

#bullshit  

What is this sleeping you all speak of.

#bullshit  

He died doing what he loved: getting hit in the head with a hammer for using this joke format.

#bullshit  

Police keep buying all the drugs and there's never any left for the rest of us, it's like the donut thing all over again.

#bullshit  

I shaved my beard and now people have stopped throwing change at me when I tie my shoes.

#bullshit  

If they just made the inhalers look like cigarettes having asthma would be so much cooler.

#bullshit  

I would really love to listen to your bullshit but I’ve got no time to listen to your bullshit.

#bullshit  

Somewhere two dudes just ordered OJ at Waffle House but are calling it "BROJ" and high fiving.

#bullshit  

Weird. My tears go up my face when I cry in Australia.

#bullshit  

I'm shocked that everyone's so shocked about Miley being shocking.

#bullshit  

I’m pretty adventurous in bed.

Sometimes I sleep with three, maybe four pillows.

#bullshit  

Dear baby Jesus, please give me the strength to not eat two dinners tonight. Amen

#bullshit  

How long do I wait before I tell my dog he's adopted?

#bullshit  

I love when I wake up without a hangover because it means I'm still drunk.

#bullshit  

Do guys that wear white pants also wear a pad in their panties in case they start spotting too?

#bullshit