Bullshit Bashes

I know exactly how to make things weird.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Somewhere two dudes just ordered OJ at Waffle House but are calling it "BROJ" and high fiving.

I'm never more gripped with fear than when I think it is Casual Friday at work and I'm the only one in a Speedo, top hat, and monocle

A pretty leaf just blew in my window! Probably the result of a Chinese boy farting 3 months ago. We are all connected…

I think I've finally taken enough selfies to prove to everyone that I do in fact live in my bathroom.

How long do I wait before I tell my dog he's adopted?

Weird. My tears go up my face when I cry in Australia.

It's quite sad that our ancestors didn't have any phones to stare at when they were at the traffic light.

Do guys that wear white pants also wear a pad in their panties in case they start spotting too?

If you tie me in a chair and repeatedly play the soundtrack from Glee, I'm pretty sure you could extract a false confession.

If pizza rolls were bigger, we could use them as a pillow.

If I have a son, I'd rather he do drugs than wear a thin gold necklace.

I just autographed a dollar bill and sold it for 90 cents.

Can't believe they're making us work today when the royal baby could be born any second.

For shame.

I would really love to listen to your bullshit but I’ve got no time to listen to your bullshit.

Saw a dude pushing a "pull" door several times and instead of helping him, I said "never give up. Don't let The Man tell you how to live."

He died doing what he loved: getting hit in the head with a hammer for using this joke format.

What’s the point of doing drugs if you don’t tell everyone on the Internet about it?

The solar eclipse only lasted two minutes and I didn't hear any women complaining about that.