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Read funny quotes and bashes for your daily quick-witted sayings
I must have been a terrible person in another life because I have a zit inside my nose.
Met my new neighbor and she thinks my boyfriend is my Dad.
Ha, that's funny and disturbing and I already had intimacy issues and shoot me.
#sex
I really wanted to start eating healthy but I could swear that this donut just said "Life's too short to eat like a rabbit. Now come here!"
I'm going shopping for a bikini after work. In case you were wondering how many antidepressants I just threw down my throat.
#crap
I trust pain, it never fails me.
That straight band from the 80's was pretty good.
I wish I could hurt you the way you hurt me. But I know that if I had the chance, I wouldn't do it.
It's quite sad that our ancestors didn't have any phones to stare at when they were at the traffic light.
Whoa. The olympics started?! When'd that happen? They should do better publicity. Maybe put it on beer cans for people who have a life.
Every year it's earlier! I was just in Wal Mart and they already have their Christmas stuff out.
If everything happens for a reason why am I blowing angle dust smoke into my parrots cage and telling him to say "show me the money"
Want to try something creepy right now? Turn off lights. Lay in bed. Turn on Kings of Leon. Shut your eyes. Robert Pattinson will appear.