Funny Bashes

"Good Morning" text messages can increase a person's dopamine, creating a chemical reaction that often changes a person's mood.

If you don't know why we help each other, you'll never know how to help yourself.

Personally, I like being an adult, because I don't have to take orders from anyone except for police officers and naked women.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

It's not gay if you're getting paid. Then it's just 'acting'.

#idocy  

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.

#wisdom  

"you are an unfunny idiot" "haha trolled u. my whole existence is a troll. the fact that i exist is god trolling u for caring so much. lmao"

All the computers at my office just went down. Almost sure it was b/c I had 16 different porn screens up. Everyone's panicking as I shrug.

#crazy  

I wish I had a Willy Wonka style chocolate river and an army of midget slaves to sing songs every time I fell into it.

#funny  

Sorry I always Forrest Gump your name, girls named Jenny.

#idocy  

Shut your mouth and spread your legs

#sex  

If you have someone in your life who laughs at the same shit you do, no matter how fucked up it is, they are your soul mate.

I just watched Breaking Dawn 2.
It was a good movie despite the fact that the best acting in it was done by an animated baby.

#witty  

I'm kind of the tough guy in my aerobics class.

#crap  

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I'm forty. I have one.

In a world of lazers, the man with the mirror is God.

#idocy  

Please give me another chance so I can show you how much I don’t love you.

#hate  

Hello again night panic goblins.

#idocy  

One of my balls just ate the other one. Must be a canniball.

#wordplay  

Dear guys, every text you get from a girl was actually composed by a minimum of three girls.

#crap