Funny Bashes

My boss is making me dress as Santa again this year. I need a No Santa clause written into my contract.

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

- William Churchill

Some days I want to carve your initials in the branch of a tree and then beat you over the head with it.

It's all fun and games until you unexpectedly give birth in the bathroom at Walmart.

I spend the last two hours before going to bed being nervous about waking up. Great use of my time. Highly recommend.

Some people wear their perversion all over their face. I hide mine behind a squeaky clean exterior.

I fight my murderous impulses the most when I am asked the question "Was it worth it?". I didn't say I always win the fight.

Yo Mama has touched more knobs then the gas man

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. They shout out what your lips are always afraid to say.

Spoon is probably the best poo-smuggling word in the English language.

Pizza, however, remains president of my belly.

I thought I wanted love, but this piece of cheese seems cool too.

Smile like you've never cried. Fight like you've never lost. Love like you've never been hurt and live like there's no tomorrow.

Every once in a while you meet someone that makes you understand why the world needs Chloroform, Duct Tape, & Shovels.

The more you dwell on the things you can not change, the less happy you become.

Stop that shit. Now. Be happy for what you do have.

When someone pees while they’re on the phone with you, you know they really like you.

Never miss an opportunity to take something out of context and completely overreact.

A bucket list is a list of things that make you want to barf, right?

She likes him. He likes her. Everyone knows. Except them.